8.0.5- The Conflict Continuum

The Conflict Continuum

When approaching the realm of conflict you can look through many lenses. The following continuum provides a good sequential overview of the process of addressing conflict.    

  1. STRESS  2. MANAGING  3. COLLABORATIVE

TABLE 4: THE CONFLICT CONTINUUM

1. Signs of Conflict:  The first sign that something needs attention is the “disease” of stress. Feeling stress is the result of the flight/fright part of humanity’s pre-historic lizard brain. Many thousands of years ago humans ignored that discomfort at their peril. Lunch is what became of them if they did not heed the warning. To this day many ignore the discomfort at their own peril. When stress is sensed it is a clear sign that something is going on that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately, many of us make the mistake of not paying attention as they fool themselves into believing that the situation will take care of itself. It usually does not. If left alone it will fester, the emotion will increase and the cost of not paying attention will increase. The good news is that although the feeling is uncomfortable, that discomfort is conveying a very important message: it is essential to ask yourself what needs attention and who needs to be communicated with, but first…   

2. Managing Emotion: Conflict is resolved through some form of collaborative negotiating process. It is almost impossible to engage in that kind of conversation when an individual is emotionally triggered. The trigger often takes the form of either passive or aggressive behavior. When passive most will try to run away from the situation and when aggressive many run right through it. Neither is effective. More important, when you are in that agitated state it is essential to manage the emotion before engaging in some dialogue process. When emotionally triggered more often than not the dialogue will reflect the emotion that is being felt. What must be done is the emotion needs to be managed before engaging.

By the time adulthood is reached most folks have developed some personal techniques for balance. There are many activities that will get you there. To name a few:

Yoga  Listening to Music  www.Heartmath.com  

Exercise  Reading    Drive in the Country

Swimming  Being in Nature  Dancing

“Time Out”  Playing with Pets  Switching Activities

Playing with kids  Being in nature  Playing a Musical Instrument

Running  Aerobics  Walking 

Being in Nature  “Time Out”  Playing with Pets

Playing with kids  Being in nature  Visualization / Changing State

After you have burned off the emotion of the situation you can begin thinking about engaging. It is often smart, as a matter of modeling and preparing, to assume a martial arts or skiing pose – legs slightly bent and shoulder width apart – imagine roots coming out of the bottom of your feet holding you solidly and firmly, planted and anchored to the earth. Now you are centered and present, ready to fully and truthfully engage. To quote noted cultural anthropologist Dr. Angelis Arrien from “The Four Fold Way” the task is to:

Ø  Show Up

Ø  Pay Attention

Ø  Tell YOUR Truth  

Ø  Do not be attached to the outcome . [2]

My paraphrase:  > Be Present

  > Listen  

  > Do not think you have THE truth

  > See what shows up, be willing to learn and be influenced by what you

  hear and be ready to shift your position  

3. Collaborative Dialogue / Negotiation: 

Now it’s time for the real fun to begin: negotiation with the other side. Through the bargaining you get to appreciate what’s happening “over there” and you get to express your needs and get your concerns cared for at the expense of no one. When we think about “negotiating” the frame that usually comes up is adversarial. It’s either them OR me so I need to prevent them from getting what they want. And yet, the most powerful and effective negotiators understand that finding out what “they” want and figuring out how to achieve that for everyone involved is the MOST powerful form of negotiation. It’s not about them OR me.  It’s about them AND me.

Unfortunately all this will take some practice, and that will require some stumbles and toe stubbing. That said, if you can instill a critical awareness and a “beginner’s mind” then you have gone a long way toward making yourself a CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATOR.